7 Things About Me
1. I never learned how to blink.

2. Every office job I've ever had I've been fired from on the first day for using the break room microwave to make methamphetamines.

3. I didn't actually read anything my bookclub assigned. Instead I would listen to their serious discussion for about fifteen minutes before I started talking about my favorite scenes from Weekend at Bernie's 2 as if they were in the book.

4. My old man used to coach little league. I was on his team when I was eight and again when I was nine, mostly I played right field, and was always kind of jealous of Timmy Boxer who got to play first base. Once, during a game, I faked a heat stroke because I was bored. They gave me an ice cream sandwich and I think we won.

5. After middle school graduation I remember thinking it would be smart to just find myself, backpack around Europe for a few years. I saw the Louvre, wrote a book of short poems on the nature of a leather bound notebook, learned how to hand roll a cigarette, and got a handjob in a tunnel overlooking one of the canals. Then, realizing how much I missed my blankey and pizza parties with my friends I headed home. 

6. My first girlfriend made me a mix tape of songs she said made her feel like we could be together--not in a socially relational sense, but some metaphysical, eternal flame kind of thing. I listened to it once and then wrote her a dissertation on the actual subtexts founds in the songs, ridiculing her taste in music, and chastising her for not realizing that we were in fuckin kindergarten, how could she not know what this was. Years later I read in the newspaper that she joined the cult of some famous rapper.

7. For a while after my last breakup I was just getting drunk every night, doing a bunch of really sloppy knitting and or karate, then passing out around morning. I remember the particular thing that made me realize I had to straighten up and get my shit together was when, after like two consecutive weeks of walking to the 7-11 to buy a 40 and a box of nachos, the guy at the counter just gives me the most disappointed look. And for the first time that night, I noticed his name tag: Jesus. So I was like, okay, I get it. Now instead of drinking I just watch episodes of Full House dubbed in German that I accidentally downloaded instead of pornography.