I'll Guru That dot com
A while back, my good personal friend and certified published authorist Carlos Del Rio asked me to write a couple of funny articles for his website. And while I thought this would be merely an opportunity to make a couple of easy jokes about social media and web 2.0 design styles, it was actually the first in a series of stunning revelations.

All those years I spent being a dick on the internet paid off! Somehow, magically, through the sheer power of elitism and grousing, I had learned genuine information about things. Those articles are tongue-in-cheek, sure, but they are predicated on actual sincere facts. Real stuff.

More empowering than the notion that I am, after all, an educated, thoughtful designer is the idea that I can use this air of authenticity to tell bigger fibs than even before! So. As of today. I am officially offering my services as a guru. On anything. Anything at all. For the price of one coach airline ticket, a night's stay at HoJo, and a gift cert for Sizzler, I will show up at your conference and I will say words that sound intelligent. I will present thought-provoking ideas. I will have a slide show, containing no images of monkeys or crudely drawn penises (unless they intimately pertain to the topic). I will get a haircut and be 100% believably perfessional. No one will suspect a thing.

For a small additionaly fee, I will provide my own fake identity.

Please email LaDonna my virtual secretary at inquiries at kingsquid.