At just three blocks from my front door, I was hoping you were truly the king of donuts everyone was saying you were, Moody's. I instantly appreciated your secluded exclusivity. Your antiquarian machinery. Your iconic red barn. Even your graphic design. But your donuts are unimpressive. I am sorry.

Look, here's a freebie. Anyone in town wanna game some real artisanal donuts? Some real higher level shit? Gimme a curry donut with coconut milk glaze. Lemme get an anise donut with milk chocolate frosting. Thai chile chocolate with lemongrass ginger glaze. What do they eat in ethiopia? Fuckin...make a donut out of it! It's time for raised pastry to get international. And for all the brainwork I've done for you, all I ask is some kind of gold foil embossed card I can flash for free donuts for life. For me and my posse. Oh, and I always roll 20 deep.