I'll Guru That dot com
A while back, my good personal friend and certified published authorist Carlos Del Rio asked me to write a couple of funny articles for his website. And while I thought this would be merely an opportunity to make a couple of easy jokes about social media and web 2.0 design styles, it was actually the first in a series of stunning revelations.

All those years I spent being a dick on the internet paid off! Somehow, magically, through the sheer power of elitism and grousing, I had learned genuine information about things. Those articles are tongue-in-cheek, sure, but they are predicated on actual sincere facts. Real stuff.

More empowering than the notion that I am, after all, an educated, thoughtful designer is the idea that I can use this air of authenticity to tell bigger fibs than even before! So. As of today. I am officially offering my services as a guru. On anything. Anything at all. For the price of one coach airline ticket, a night's stay at HoJo, and a gift cert for Sizzler, I will show up at your conference and I will say words that sound intelligent. I will present thought-provoking ideas. I will have a slide show, containing no images of monkeys or crudely drawn penises (unless they intimately pertain to the topic). I will get a haircut and be 100% believably perfessional. No one will suspect a thing.

For a small additionaly fee, I will provide my own fake identity.

Please email LaDonna my virtual secretary at inquiries at kingsquid.

7 Things About Me
1. I never learned how to blink.

2. Every office job I've ever had I've been fired from on the first day for using the break room microwave to make methamphetamines.

3. I didn't actually read anything my bookclub assigned. Instead I would listen to their serious discussion for about fifteen minutes before I started talking about my favorite scenes from Weekend at Bernie's 2 as if they were in the book.

4. My old man used to coach little league. I was on his team when I was eight and again when I was nine, mostly I played right field, and was always kind of jealous of Timmy Boxer who got to play first base. Once, during a game, I faked a heat stroke because I was bored. They gave me an ice cream sandwich and I think we won.

5. After middle school graduation I remember thinking it would be smart to just find myself, backpack around Europe for a few years. I saw the Louvre, wrote a book of short poems on the nature of a leather bound notebook, learned how to hand roll a cigarette, and got a handjob in a tunnel overlooking one of the canals. Then, realizing how much I missed my blankey and pizza parties with my friends I headed home. 

6. My first girlfriend made me a mix tape of songs she said made her feel like we could be together--not in a socially relational sense, but some metaphysical, eternal flame kind of thing. I listened to it once and then wrote her a dissertation on the actual subtexts founds in the songs, ridiculing her taste in music, and chastising her for not realizing that we were in fuckin kindergarten, how could she not know what this was. Years later I read in the newspaper that she joined the cult of some famous rapper.

7. For a while after my last breakup I was just getting drunk every night, doing a bunch of really sloppy knitting and or karate, then passing out around morning. I remember the particular thing that made me realize I had to straighten up and get my shit together was when, after like two consecutive weeks of walking to the 7-11 to buy a 40 and a box of nachos, the guy at the counter just gives me the most disappointed look. And for the first time that night, I noticed his name tag: Jesus. So I was like, okay, I get it. Now instead of drinking I just watch episodes of Full House dubbed in German that I accidentally downloaded instead of pornography.